My husband insists that, in order to increase my readership, I need to be more controversial. He doesn't make this assertion in a vacuum… He is well aware of the ascorbic thoughts that go through my head at practically every moment of the day.
The thing is, after 40-some years of conditioning myself to bite my tongue, to stifle the urge to say what's on my mind -- to engage what my family calls my "filter"… I just don't think the World is ready for my opinions.
A friend once remarked that we have to be careful "not to mistake [my] witty banter for bitchiness…". Indeed.
My tongue has gotten me into plenty of trouble before. One might be surprised how easy it is to move even a generally civilized man to want to hit a woman. There are, however, a couple of times where I will allow certain controlled (dare I even suggest rehearsed?) remarks to escape.
One favorite is, when I see someone without proper license plates or hang tags, who clearly isn't handicapped, park in a handicapped spot. My favorite quip is to yell after them, "Excuse me, I think those spaces are reserved for the PHYSICALLY handicapped!". I have nearly been slugged on more than one occasion.
Or when you see someone's unattended children running and cavorting loudly through a crowded store, knocking into people and displays, I'm fond of shouting, "Do you even HAVE parents? Have you been raised by wolves?". Somehow after a remark like this, concerned parents materialize rapidly.
Related to this caper is to tell children in a crowded mall, zipping around on Heelys (those shoes with the roller-skate type wheels built into them), "Your parents don't love you, that is why they bought you those shoes! They hope you are going to break your neck on them!"… I once needed to run from Security after this remark!
Sometimes I wonder if a guy like Will Ferrell, Ron White, or Adam Sandler ever had these sorts of problem. Not that I think I'M that funny, but you know, I'm sure even those guys have to have their "not that funny" moments too. And it's a little hard to imagine Bob Saget or Howie Mandell saying these sorts of things.
Another good one is, in a grocery store or other place with a long line, when you see someone trying to sidle in ahead of others, pretending not to notice the line, I like to tap them on the shoulder and say, "Please, go ahead, cut in front of me. I don't mind at all, and neither do these other 20 people who have been patiently waiting behind me like civilized human beings…". This usually draws apologies and dagger-glances at the same time. I pray no one follows me to my car one day.
And finally, when I see someone heckling some older, clearly immigrant cashier in a crowded store, to either hurry up or speak English or some other such bigoted and rude comment, I like to just tell them, "I'd like to see you do better. In Bejing.".
No, I don't think the World is ready for my unfiltered opinions and observations. Not just yet -- and I'm not ready for it either. Not unless I consistently leave the house in full body armor, anyway.
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