Necessary Asshole Theory

I have been around the block a few times, and I have met more than a few assholes in my day.  In fact, it could well be claimed that I AM one of the assholes many people have met.

You know the type, they are always saying something you just can't believe, and you want to poke them right in the eye.  Assholes just don't know when to quit.

So it might seem a little odd that I would advance a topic I like to call the Necessary Asshole Theory.

The thing is, LOTS of people are assholes.  There are two main types:  productive assholes and non-productive assholes.  Both are necessary to society.

The first sort, the productive asshole, like all assholes, says and does things many do not agree with.  Even when they have a good point to make, their delivery is just off-putting.  When assholes say things that make us all cringe, it could be called putting your foot in your mouth -- IF we didn't know the gaffe was intentional.

Productive assholes make shitty bosses, for the most part.  They are always criticizing and micro-managing.  They make you feel really stupid when you make any trivial mistake.  They have been known to berate people in front of their peers.

But productive assholes, do get things done.  Some notable productive assholes would be Donald Trump, Thomas Edison, Ross Perot, Henry Ford, Isaac Newton, Richard Nixon, Coco Chanel, Johannes W. Geiger,  Andrew Jackson, and Gary Cooper.

Who are the unproductive assholes, then?  Well, there are some famous ones.  Pat Robertson, Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler, Rush Limbaugh, Idi Amin…  You get the idea.  But the thing to note here is, these people are not PRODUCERS.  These guys are DESTROYERS.  And there are a million and one, not-so-famous assholes in everyone's life, that is not nearly as intelligent a destructive, non-productive asshole as a Saddam Hussein or an Adolph Hitler.

Why, then, do we need these unproductive assholes?  It's as simple as this:  People do not learn unless it is through struggle.  Without these really awful, intelligent assholes, we may never learn to deal with adversity.  We might never learn the difference between when to run and when to fight.  We might never ponder how to prevent another Holocaust.

I'm not advocating for these guys, mind you.  These are just a few of the most horrific people you would ever encounter.  And it's not just the famous ones that turn my (or your) stomach.  It's the unnamed funds manager or real estate developer who scams elderly people out of their life savings.  It's the kid in the neighborhood who terrorizes everyone one the bus, and tortures small furry creatures.  It's the attorney who takes on a case for someone they know has no chance of winning, and demands a king's ransom up-front as a retainer, all the while assuring the client of success.  

And yeah, it's that person in the grocery store who runs their cart up on your ankles, smiles a sardonic smile, and says "I'm sorry," in a sarcastic tone.  That guy is probably going home to shoot squirrels with his pellet gun later.

The thing is, that boss you had who rode your ass, and made you feel belittled -- were they getting anything done?  Were they taking your department or our company places a "nice guy" couldn't get you to, or couldn't achieve in 10 times as long?

Is that local politician who is always angering people with what they say, actually helping to push through laws that make everyone safer?  Balancing the budget, even if it hurts a little?

Is that obnoxious neighbor who's dog poops in your yard, potentially the next great artist of our times?  Could she be on the verge of some major scientific breakthrough?

So, productive assholes are necessary.  We need them to push through the red tape and get things done, even if it means a lot of people aren't going to like THEM, or the way they get things done.

Their reasons for being thus driven can be noble, or downright self-aggrandizing.  BUT the distinction is, are they achieving a goal that is non-destructive to society at large?  Are they going to be remembered for an accomplishment that isn't heinous?  If you answer yes, then you have just met a Necessary Asshole.