I couldn't resist the urge to throw in some random, rhyming words to my title, any more than I could resist posting some general comments about raising tweens and teens, as a very good friend suggested.
Those of you who know me, know that my daughter received the Hellion gene from both myself and her father. And you probably believe that she has been about as problem-free a teenager as one could hope for (cough cough)...
Well, I can't say that the Big Girl hasn't had her little issues. We in fact had some problems with being somewhere other than where we said we were going to be, as a tween. We had an arrest (YIKES!!!) as a teen. We did have some minor acting out during these past 7 years.
But we also got her all graduated with an advanced diploma and some AP classes under her belt. She was a member of the journalism honor society. She never took the car when she wasn't allowed, never had a party at our house, was never brought home drunk, didn't even get knocked up, doesn't do drugs, and has never ever even ONCE had any disciplinary action at school. Not even a detention in 13 years of public school.
So, with that and the Hellion gene in mind, and the fact that as a high school teacher I've "parented" probably 500 kids in this age group, I'd like to share my thoughts with you, in the form of some general parenting RULES:
RULE #1 -- Good parenting is like being a Sheriff. We all know what the acceptable rules are for our kids. And most of the time that we have trouble, it's when we have tried to take a "shortcut" and circumvent our own rules. This job, folks, is all about setting expectations. Every time you bend a rule out of convenience for YOURSELF (see rule #2, this never winds up being convenient in the long run!), you show your kids that you are not to be taken seriously, and that rules were made to be broken.
Granted, rule TESTING is a necessary, although annoying, part of being a tween and teen. Most of us reading this are still quite adept at rule-bending, even if we've gotten over our flat-out breaking period. So, you have to realize that (a) bending or breaking rules is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid if you are going to raise a healthy adult, and (b) this in no way precludes the idea that our children need to be held accountable for their actions.
It's also very helpful to have a STANDARDIZED set of penalties for different common infractions. Consistency is key. If you trash your room, there should be a set disciplinary action for this. If you fail a class, you should know exactly what to expect. And like any good Rules, these should be written down and not entrusted to memory. This is how things work in the "Real World", the one which we all hope to prepare our kids for. Don't let them down on this point!!!
Ideally, you should sit down with your kids and have them help you brainstorm a list of the most common infractions, and develop the consequences TOGETHER. You want to do this at a time when no one is currently in the doghouse, so that you can thing rationally and clearly about the type and length of said consequences.
You don't want to give the impression that this is a Democracy (at best, parenting is a benign Dictatorship!!!), but when the kids help you with these consequences, it helps them later to see, again without that pesky heat-of-the-moment emotion, that the consequences are fair.
I teach in an atmosphere where many of our students speak another language at home. Less kids in my HS are native English speakers than the other languages spoken. And every year, they need to test some boundaries with me, to see where the line is. After all, you can't stop yourself from crossing the line if it's fuzzy and poorly defined, or if it keeps moving.
A good case in point is cursing. The kids need to know HOW MUCH I know, as well as what I will put up with.
I know that at the beginning of every year, I'm going to have to write a Referral on several kids for using foul language. And once I do that, they know where the line is set; well before the point where language is disrespectful or disagreeable to ANYONE. And they also know very quickly, what disciplinary action will be taken for an infraction.
RULE #2 -- Any work done at the front end, will save you trouble down the road. Meaning, what might seem like something tough and inconvenient for you, will most likely prevent future problems. Think of it like preventative visits to the Dentist. Nobody likes going to the Dentist, but if you don't go, you will suffer much more in the future, and probably create more expense for yourself as well.
We all know this is a good principle to live by in ANY area of our life. But generally, we have a hard time realizing it when we're "in the moment". Either we're angry and overreact, or the general pressures of life such as working and mowing the yard, make us prone to procrastination. You have to keep yourself on the right path, and realize that if you miss work TODAY to deal with a "kid issue", you could very well be saving yourself weeks or even months worth of trouble in a year or three.
Just by clarifying where that line is for one misbehavior, helps them to recognize that the line is not going to be fuzzy when they engage in some other prohibited behavior. If you equip yourself with a logical set of consequences for different behaviors, i.e. where the punishment fits the crime, then the more you stand firm, the less testing your child will need to do to learn.
My eldest, like all tweens, used to like to tell me she was going to one place and then go to another (more discussion in #7). It's a trick they all NEED to pull, and you need to be aware of. My answer to this on the first offense was grounding, after a lengthy discussion about personal safety. On the second offense, I grounded longer, and called all her friends' parents (as well as her own father) to make sure they knew what was going on. On the third offense, I have a Deputy pick her up and bring her home. On the fourth offense, I let them take her to the Juvenile Detention Center for a nice long weekend!
There was no fifth offense. It was the longest long weekend of my life.
RULE #3 -- You are the Sheriff, not the judge. And your household is NOT a court of law! Kids aren't innocent until proven guilty. If something looks and smells like C#%P, don't be baited into getting down on the ground and rolling around in it, just to confirm your suspicions.
Most of us have pulled enough baloney in our lives to recognize the signs. Can any of us really say that we DON'T know the symptoms of pot-smoking? Of sneaking out of the house late at night? Of driving the car when we aren't allowed?
Remember, these types of behaviors ARE normal. But the only way your child grows from these experiences, is if the Rules are followed, they have to bear the consequences of their actions every single time, and they understand WHY the Rules are there, the function they perform.
There were times when Big Girl would tell me she had already DONE all her homework, but I couldn't see any evidence of any work going on. Of course, as parents, we get the report card way too late to do much of anything in this respect... BUT I was never averse to telling her that I was going to hold on to her cell phone until I felt comfortable that she was actually doing something school-related.
Usually, that spawned an immediate and conspicuous flurry of academic activity. Oddly, most kids will actually TRY to do their best on homework, if only you can get them to START doing it!
RULE #4 -- Honesty is key. We all know that. But one thing that is sometimes missing in this World full of grey space, is a good way to tell when you're not being honest. The advice I give my daughter is simply that, when you are doing the RIGHT THING, you won't feel the need to hide it.
Kids also need to know that it's normal (though unacceptable) to screw up. If you take the car without permission, you are going to have to pay the price, HOWEVER if you take the car without permission and then lie about it, the price goes up exponentially.
The little monsters also need to know that when they lie, they are more likely to trip themselves up. Lying for them sort of creates two distinct "realities"; what actually happened, and the stories they told to cover it up. Most teens, and practically ALL tweens, aren't capable of remembering what they had for breakfast, let alone which story was told to whom.
I was lucky to have a child with ADD. It's not like she's ever been able to hide what she's doing. The minute something new grabs her attention, she quite literally drops whatever she WAS doing to follow the new thread. This leaves CLUES! For instance, I could ask "Have you been eating yogurt and pretzels in your room?" rather than the less specific "Have you been eating in your room?". Just being in possession of more facts, helps them to make better choices where honesty is concerned.
RULE #5 -- Your child is your legal responsibility! This also means that if they go off and damage property, hurt someone, or commit a crime, it's going to be YOU who ends up bearing the brunt of the legal consequences. Make sure your kids know that in the case of any event like that, you will need to visit pain and suffering upon them commensurate to the cost and inconvenience they brought you!
Kid Elder got a speeding ticket once. She brought it to me, and I was like, OK, what do you want me to do about it? I got the expected "I dunno" response we are all so tired of hearing! My solution to this was that (a) she would have to pay the ticket herself, and (b) until I saw a receipt, she'd have to hand over the car keys.
Granted, I wound up driving her places in the interim and it was a big pain in the neck! But more often, I pointed to her bicycle and reminded her that it still worked -- or better yet, she should call a friend and ask for a ride! I mean, if she wanted to go to the movies or attend a football game, would she really need to ask ME to drive her? HECK NO, if she can find rides to do the fun stuff, then she will be able to find rides to get to class and work!
Your children need to know that you take your legal liability seriously. If there is going to be a fine or a court date for YOU, you have to make sure it adequately impacts THEM. None of us wants to wind up in the situation where our kid took the car without permission, got drunk, and then injured someone by driving under the influence. Let them know you will exercise the right to protect YOURSELF from any foolishness they might get into!
RULE #6 -- Have them clean up their OWN messes. It's probably abundantly clear that this is a fundamental principle, yet I think most parents rely too much on denial of privileges and not enough on the idea of picking up after yourself. If you condition yourself to look at everything that needs to be done to rectify any unhappy situation, and then transfer as much of the burden to your kid, that is usually a pretty adequate and appropriate punishment.
Case in point, B.G. once had some friends over while I was at the grocery store. They were all of baby-sitting age, and knew our house rules. Even so, one girl found some beer in the fridge, and proceeded to secretly pound them until she was sloppy drunk. At least she knew enough to hide this from my daughter!
Well, long story short, this girl wound up projectile-vomiting all over the bathroom. When I got home, B.G. had already called the girl's mother to tell her what happened (she knew she would be expected to do so). Once the girl was safely tucked away into her mom's minivan, though, I then made my daughter go up and scrub that bathroom floor to ceiling!
Now, my daughter wasn't drinking, and her friend didn't do it openly... But while someone is a guest in our house, you are responsible to a certain degree for THEIR actions as well as your own. YOU brought them here, and I extended my trust to them on your recommendation! There are very few things as disgusting as cleaning up barf, especially someone ELSE'S barf. So in essence, I was letting my child know that if she was going to hang around people who behaved this way, she was going to wind up with a bunch of unpleasantness for herself.
RULE #7 -- Your whereabouts are an issue of personal safety... It's NOT negotiable that I know where you are!!! As I mentioned earlier, this was one of Kid Elder's more frequent transgressions. Mostly, she would say she was going to one friend's house and be at another; say she was going to the movies but go to Pizza Hut. She was rarely hiding her whereabouts to cover up some more troubling transgression like drinking or having sex (well, to my knowledge, NEVER).
The thing is, I told her that if there was ever any 15-minute period (as a minor) where I was unsure of where she was, I would call the Police. And it's not just safety for GIRLS! Think about it -- would you want your male child kidnapped and put in the back of a van and sodomized? Granted, this won't make you a grandparent prematurely, but it certainly won't be a happy moment either, trying to get through that sort of ordeal and it's after-effects.
So, you have to commit to this idea, this Rule, and be ready to ACT on it. What was funny in our case was, every time a Deputy brought K.E. home, they thanked me! I would never have expected that, but then one explained to me that so many parents, when confronted with this behavior, act ineffectively to stop it. Their opinion was, if you let your kids do stuff like this and not have serious consequences, then they will eventually cross some other border and get into more trouble.
The Deputies here were of the opinion that I was saving ALL of us some worse trouble later.
RULE #8 -- It's not hypocrisy to want better for your kids than you had! I know that we all face our children doing things they aren't supposed to, and they will at some point try to point out that WE did the same things before. Well, DUH, how do you think we were on to YOU so quickly!
The thing they are usually missing is that two wrongs don't make a right. When I cut class, I got caught and had detention -- there were CONSEQUENCES! When I snuck out at night, I didn't get caught but I see now that I'm just really lucky nothing horrible ever happened to me. Even though I have been known to indulge in a cigarette or drink, I recognize this as a really silly choice that will impact my health.
Is it hypocritical of my to tell my kids I don't want them in detention, abducted, or developing lung cancer? Is it hypocritical to tell them they are not to break the LAW? Surely not. It's deflection on their part, and you are the one who has to de-legitimize the argument.
It's funny, because I have a few last observations. My good friend really DID ask me to write a Note about this, feeling as I'm sure most do that I am a bit of a cut-up, but also a really "tough" parent. Well, the really tough parent has always tried to adopt rules that make logical sense, and to EXPLAIN them to "da kidz"…
I used to tell The Oldest that she could have a drink any time she wanted, but it had to be in our own home, and that she needed to tell me so I wasn't like "Where did all the beer go?".
She was always allowed to cut or dye her hair, get piercings, rip up, embellish, or decorate her own clothes... I feel this is a healthy expression of her individuality (which most tweens generally avoid like the plague HAHA!).
I told her she could smoke pot as long as she shared with me (can YOU think of a better deterrent?).
And I said she could drive as soon as legally allowable, or get a tattoo as long as she could affirm for two months straight, daily, that she wanted a very SPECIFIC tattoo (to be more certain she wouldn't later regret it).
But I told her flat-out that she wasn't dating until she was 18, or having sex until she was 30!!!
When you think about it, which one of those above behaviors would result in the most catastrophic and long-term disruption of her life?
Anyway, I'm proud to say that Eldest's last escapade while still a minor, was to sneak out of the house. She went with several friends and many types of alcohol, to a nearby playground, deserted as it was at 1am. Her friends and she proceeded to enter a building under construction, and damage was found in this property the next day.
The police, however, showed up around 2:30am, and took about 14 kids into custody. Mine, however, was the ONLY ONE sent home with a parent. Why?
Well, when the police arrived and told everyone to get down on the ground with their arms out to the sides, my child was the ONLY ONE who did not make a run for it. When they gave breathalyzers, my child was the ONLY ONE who had not been drinking. And when they questioned her, my child was the ONLY ONE who gave plausible and consistent answers to their questions.
I told a friend about this, and they commented on how "lucky" I was that my daughter didn't drink, damage, or defy. But really luck had nothing to do with it.
My daughter didn't feel drinking was something she had to sneak around at night to do.
My daughter understood that lying only compounds your problems,
My daughter knew that when you were caught doing the wrong thing, the best thing is to accept the consequences.
And my daughter knew that the Rules were there for her BENEFIT, not to cramp her style.
It's all about setting expectations early; doing the work to uphold the Rules; and being fair and consistent in administering consequences that truly fit the crime. We all know this isn't EASY, what I propose. But it's RIGHT, and it WORKS. Put in the work up front, and skip lots of problems later on. Be sure you communicate adequately and appropriately. And as much as we wish they would stay little forever -- keep your eyes on the prize. You want a self-sufficient adult out of this deal!
No comments:
Post a Comment