A Charmed Life?

On days like today, I sit for long stretches of time and consider what a wonderful, marvelous, charmed life I live.

I have a husband that I adore, and who shows me every day that he loves me.  I have a grown daughter who is healthy, intelligent, and lots of fun to be around.  I have two step-daughters who light up my life with their smiles and laughter, and I have an actual friendship with their terrific mother, not just a "working" relationship.

I have divorced parents who get along.  I have aunts and uncles that are also friends.  I have cousins who are so much fun to be around, it's a party whenever you get three of us in a room.  I have my cousins' children to buy toys for this holiday season.  I have a brother who is endlessly creative and encouraging.

Despite a few bad genes, I am in pretty decent health.  I have hobbies that I love and can pursue almost every day.  I have a dog who is among the sweetest in the World, and a cat who can shake my hand when I ask.  

I have a lovely home, and I do not lack for delicious food every day.

Oh, sure, I am expanding around the middle, always fighting the "battle of the bulge".  But I am somehow MOSTLY wrinkle-free, and can hide all those darned grey hairs pretty easily with an $8 bottle of color.

I have a car, and a degree, and can work when I want, doing what I want.  Certainly the bills always seem to pile up, no matter what our household income.  But we aren't worried about whether the lights are going to be shut off.  It's enough to make you want to barf, right?

The thing that I sit and marvel the most about is, that there was a time I could see all these blessings, and still not be happy.  I suffer from clinical depression.  

Unlike the depression everyone will at some time go through, mine is not brought on by some sort of life circumstance.  Certainly, I would be depressed at the loss of a loved one, or losing a job or (God forbid!) our home.  But the type of depression I suffer from is chronic, and is not alleviated with time or with a change for the better in circumstances.

It was, for a very long time, hard to talk about this.  What I did not understand is that depression like mine is a disease, something I could no better control through sheer force of will, than if I had diabetes or high blood pressure.  My brain decides to dump too many of the wrong chemicals in my system, and that has to be corrected with medication.

Many people do not understand this, and either misunderstand people with this disease, or WORSE -- suffer for years with their own clinical depression, and think it is something they ought to be able to overcome on their own.

To put it succinctly, we depression sufferers feel like wimps, crybabies, failures.  

It makes it hard to talk to anyone about this sort of problem.  You feel like you are not taking full control of your life, like it is a simple short-coming that, if you were more self-disciplined, you could overcome.  And you begin to feel even more isolated by this "inability", which causes you to withdraw from friends and family…  Making the problem worse.

You also feel guilt.  Terrible, wracking guilt.  You want to talk to someone but at the same time, you don't want to burden them.  You know there are people who care about you, but you feel they have their own problems and yours are so insignificant.

You feel like you want to stay in bed and hide from the World.  And even when there are people -- friends, co-workers, even parents or children -- who are counting on you…  Some days this just isn't enough to drag yourself out into the World and do what you need to do.

Sometimes you feel so overwhelmed by what is "wrong" with you, with your life, that you wish you could just stop BEING.  You wish that you would just stop breathing, because that would be one way to stop hurting.

But you go on because you can't bear the pain of doing something so terrible to your loved ones.

Even so, some days you muse that, you have life insurance.  Maybe your children, your family, would actually be better off without you.  You think that you certainly must be affecting them with your moods, in a negative way.  

And then, in the back of your head, the thing NO ONE wants to admit, starts to happen.  You begin to think of ways to stop breathing, that would set you free from the worry, the sadness, the pain, the guilt.

You may not want to have these thoughts.  But they form anyway, in times when your mind is idle.  You think that, if you had a horrible car accident, maybe everyone would think it was just that -- an accident -- and mourn you without feeling guilty.

OK.  I just said it.  I just raised the most taboo topic there is when dealing with depression.  Clinical depression leads to unwanted thoughts of suicide.  I say UNWANTED.  Because what you would really choose, if you felt it was an option, is to live and to be happy.  But with clinical depression, over a long period of time, you come to believe that this is just not ever going to be an option for you.  And you start to long to end the suffering.  You are worn down.

Think about someone in chronic pain, for the rest of their lives, from some horrible illness or accident.  We wouldn't fault them if they at times, wanted to take their own life.  We don't want them to, don't want to lose them, and don't want to lose hope that some day their pain will cease.  But we understand the feeling, if the pain is physical anyway.

If the pain is emotional, it is much harder to understand.  But clinical depression also can bring physical pain.  The emotional sort alone can be unbearable.  But the combination is horrific, if you consider a lifetime of both.

So, what is the point here?  

The point is, there IS hope.  I went from being a person who honestly, TRULY believed that ALL people were unhappy most of the time, and that life in general was pointless, to try to fight all this sadness that infected me and (I believed) everyone else…  To someone who daily counts their blessings and is thankful for every breath I draw.

I went from feeling there was some failure on my part to adequately "deal" with the World, to understanding that I had a chemical imbalance in m body, much like diabetes or hypothyroidism, that could only be corrected with medication.

I went from having entire months where I cried at least once a day, and missed work at least once from not being able to face the World…  To loving my life and all the people in it.  I think of this especially during the holidays, when many people suffer more instead of less.

If you have experienced depression that has lasted more than a month; if you have ever felt like no one could understand what you are going through; if you feel you can't "bother" loved ones with your problems; if you have ever felt guilty for having a bad day; and most CERTAINLY, if you have been wishing for an end to the unhappiness, even if it meant ending your life….  You could be suffering from clinical depression.

If you know someone who you feel might identify with any of the above statements, THEY might be clinically depressed.

And what needs to happen then is, a trip to the Doctor.  Most GPs will be able to help you diagnose the problem.  And then they will be able to help you take the next step.  Believe me when I say, the pain of exposing this problem and getting the help you need, is far preferable to any other option.

And hey, if you or someone else is suffering with depression, you are not in bad company.  Others who have gone on-record as depression sufferers include Buzz Aldrin, Terry Bradshaw, Agatha Christie, Winston Churchill, Charles Dickens, Harrison Ford, Ernest Hemingway, Billy Joel, Beyonce Knowles, Heath Ledger, John Lennon, Abraham Lincoln, Michelangelo, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Sylvia Plath, Trent Reznor, Anne Rice, Brooke Shields, Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut, Walt Whitman, and Virginia Woolfe.  Is this bad company?

There is someone on this list that everyone can identify with, someone everyone can admire and respect.

It is estimated that 6-13% of the population suffers with CLINICAL depression, but to date less than two in three people are seeking help, and it is estimated that only one in five is receiving adequate help.  Even more shocking, suicide is still about the 9th leading cause of death in adults.  To put it in perspective…  In the US, about two people end their own lives in each state, EVERY DAY.

I'm not famous, but I would like to be on-record as a depression SURVIVOR.  If I can, one day, help one person be happier, help JUST ONE PERSON reclaim the joy in their lives, or help even one friend or family member to help someone else, then I will feel like a success.

I would feel that all the years I spent suffering, were not in vain.

So, if you are out there and have suffered long enough, or if you are reading and have been watching someone else suffer, you know what to do.  Make that appointment.  It could literally save a life.

And if it is not you but a friend…  You tell them you KNOW.  You tell them, everyone on this Earth can sympathize, but also that there is at least one person in their corner who understands -- this is NOT their fault.  Tell your friend, your mother, your sister, your spouse.  Tell them you can't stand to see them unhappy, and that you will be there to hold their hand as they try to make life better.

Again, this could save a life.  So at the risk of sounding silly,  I literally BESEECH you!  Suicide is preventable.  Depression is manageable.  Life is not only bearable, but it is wonderful.  And the odds are that every single one of us, knows someone who is not getting the help they need!

Go forth and DO good  :)  and it will make you FEEL good.  If you have your suspicions, they are probably founded.  It's the best holiday gift you can give yourself, and it could mean a whole new lease on life for someone else.