Everyone has heard the ones about jumbo shrimp and military intelligence. We've tried to clean our plastic silverware with steel wool before, and then giggled silently to ourselves. Some have even caught on to act naturally, pretty ugly, bird-dog, and catfish. Many of these examples will seem strangely familiar, and I hope you will be terribly pleased.
Some of my favorites as a Math teacher are constant variable (I heard this a lot in an Advanced Basic class I once had), false positive, standard deviation, straight angle and curved line. I was always fond of easy problems, as well.
But what about celebrating some of the less-well-known oxymorons in our lives, in random order? After a brief legal disclaimer (which will be provided once I find myself a decent lawyer), I'd like to share with you a detailed summary of my complete selection of oxymorons...
Consider "cool as shit"! Who ever said shit was cool? Has anyone recently stepped in some (perhaps in my back yard??) and said "COOL!"? I believe this almost never happens. Notably at this time of year, one may stumble across some cool shit. But generally speaking, isn't it often either room temperature or even body-temperature. Sadly, most of us are overlooking all that shit that has yet to be shat.
What about a Daily Special? If something occurs daily, how special can it be? Could cool shit be a daily special? Maybe the daily special should be donut holes? If you fill a donut hole with something.... Nah, I just can't say it! But if you've read my post on Bertie Botts' beans, maybe the newest flavor could be Clean Fill Dirt?
Has anyone ever been awfully nice to you? I really need some feedback on this so I can file it under confirmed rumor. I am absolutely unsure of what this means. Well, I'm almost certain anyway... This has to be better than someone being deliberately thoughtless, no?
If you are having a civil war, what exactly are you doing? Hurling terribly nice bombs at each other? And if this is going on now, does that constitute current history? I admit, my command of American English is not perfect, but I have clearly misunderstood something here.
Perhaps if I examined this under a blacklight I'd be able to explain freezer burn. Or, more likely, I'm just being a butt-head... Or so it must seem to a relative stranger.
When I'm feeling numb, or something has been found missing in my life, I find a failsafe cure to be underdone Ethiopian Food. I am particularly fond of fish fingers with green oranges, but if you drop them on your tight slacks, it makes a fine mess.
My friend has an adult child who is a graduate student. They are writing their thesis on the Great Depression. I'm hopelessly optimistic that they will finish the larger half of their dissertation without the need for any constructive criticism.
One of the death benefits of my job is life insurance that covers even such minor disasters as friendly fire. Needless to say, in the event of my untimely demise, I'm sure to have a lovely funeral.
Now, then... My diatribe on oxymorons is nearly complete, but I share this with you only on the condition of mutually exclusive agreement that this will be never repeated. My objective opinion being that this is obviously a secret communication. If you would, however, like an original copy of this work, simply send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to me.
I've enjoyed our time alone together, but I'm off now to power-nap to some soft rock, right after I enjoy some french danish with fat-free butter and a non-alcoholic beer, and of course give my dog a rubber bone, which I hope won't pose a safety hazard, even though it will be seriously funny.
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