Middle School Pt 1

Parent's Guide to Surviving Middle School

INTRO

This is meant to be the first in an installment of how to help your child (and you) survive the middle-school years. I reserve the right to publish further on this topic -- or not! -- as I see fit. But here are the basics for your new middle-schooler.

We all remember our own times in middle school. They were challenging, exciting, and frustrating at the same time. Today's kids face even more pressures than we did. And as a parent, if you are not working your butt off to ensure your child is given the tools they need to succeed in junior high school, Then you are doing something wrong. Plain and simple!

BEHAVIOR

Why is it that our lovely elementary age children seem to change overnight when they get to middle school? Well, in short, it's older kids. It's older kids with an attitude. And your kids want to emulate them. Believe me, they do! Kids at this age, act to either gain reward OR avoid punishment. Mostly the latter. MOSTLY!

But the draw is still there, that many older kids are going to act out. And to your 11 or 12 year old, this seems SO much more "mature" than the sheep-like attitude of elementary schoolers. It's going to take a while to convince them that bad does not equal cool.

BAD DECISIONS

At this age, parts of kids brains grow rapidly and others get put "on hold". Really, they might look like they are almost an adult. but they are NOT and they might have a really good (biological) reason why, at 11 or 12 or 13, they are less capable of making good choices than they were at 9 or 10.

Give them a little bit of a break here. Your 12-year-old is about as likely to ace Geometry or Chemistry at this age, as they are to win the Nobel Prize for Medicine. Don't let yourself start believing that, because they are starting to shave, they can handle making important life decisions without guidance.

LEARNING PRESSURES

In elementary school, the pace is slower and the class sizes smaller. They have to be a lot more organized in middle school, but who teaches them that skill? If you think it's the classroom teacher, you had better guess again. You had better have a plan to help them with this, and stick to it, and then assess their progress! When they don't want to show you their binder, that's because it's a train wreck!

So, spend a little time every week checking their backpack, room, and notebooks. I liked to make this a requirement before any weekend activities could be entertained. If you give them the incentive, and stick to "the plan", it will go a long way toward them being pro-active in getting the work done.

GRADES PRESSURES

For the first time, the kids really feel the pressure of the grades. Sure, in elementary school, they wanted to please and to get good grades to not be the "dumb kid". But in junior high, they start hearing that all these grades, they are going to influence THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And they start to worry. And cheat. And give up if they struggle.

You have to balance a healthy desire, as a parent, for your kids to get good grades, with the desire to teach them self-sufficiency. Talk to them about how actually LEARNING the material is the best way to get good grades. And of course, remind them -- no one has to know if they are getting straight A's. They can always tell their friends they failed just to look cool!

PEER PRESSURE

To act out. To curse. To defy authority. To smoke. To drink. To date, to kiss, to smart off to the teacher. To skip class, shoplift and have sex. It's all over the place. And yeah, to get good grades or play sports is in there, somewhere.

Don't ever assume your child is immune. To be completely immune to peer pressure would basically mean your child had anti-social tendencies that should cause you another type of alarm. But again, TALK to them! They have to know that anything that makes them uncomfortable, is not necessary.

You are not the only one who will respect them, if they stand up to their peers and make their own choices.

CLASSROOM ANTICS

Just because your child isn't the one throwing spitballs, doesn't mean they are behaving. What do they do to encourage "right behavior" and discourage the goofy stuff? They need to start to learn about building their own character.

I liked to role-play with my daughter, and ask her what she would do in certain situations. If someone wanted her to smoke pot. If someone in her class wouldn't stop talking during a lecture. If someone she didn't know tried to get her to go in their car with them.

Having a "plan" for how to assert yourself -- nicely and not-so-nicely -- can help ANYONE deal with a difficult situation. And in the classroom, if your child is not part of the solution, let them know that you consider them to be a part of the problem. Good citizenship requires action.

CALLS HOME

This is not a fun thing for a teacher to do in their already strapped schedule. A teacher who calls home is a blessing to you. Don't ignore what they have to say. Don't' assume you know what the call is about, either! If it's behavior, you have to have a plan that works WITH the teacher. If it's grades, you have to work with your student to ensure adequate progress.

At any rate, you should WANT to know what is going on. It's hard to find a teacher who is pro-active enough to call, even for serious grade and behavior problems. Call them back, and then LISTEN to what they have to say. They aren't calling because they are bored!!!

MISSING INFORMATION

When your kids keep telling you they left their interim grade report in their locker, or that history test wasn't graded yet, or the teacher was too busy to give them a printout… Either they forgot to ask because they know their grade is bad or they are just lying because they want to avoid your disapproval.

If they tell you their cell phone is at a friend's house or that new PSP is in their locker, there is a good chance it's lost, never to return.

I used to take away the cell phone and/or other privileges until missing items (such as grades) showed up. Again, give a concrete incentive. It's the fastest way to the truth, when dealing with middle-schoolers.

LYING

They all do it. You think they don't. Well, they do. Sometimes for no reason. Even when you raised them correctly. Sometimes just to get your goat. Sometimes to feel cooler, smarter, or to be funny. But it's going to happen and you'd better be prepared for it. Your parenthood is NOT a court of law, and your kids need to know that "reasonable suspicion" is enough to convict.

And be aware that it IS age-appropriate behavior. But that it is not going to be tolerated. Then you have to back your words with action.

The thing is, a certain amount of lying at this age is normal. Kids want to assert their individuality, and some measure of control over their own life. What they were afraid to do as elementary school children (lie) becomes widespread in middle school… And is a temporary situation until they learn a more "adult" way to assert themselves.

CONTROL

It's why they lie, hide grades, ignore your pleas to tidy up, tell you they are at Bobby's house when they are really at Billy's house. And it's a part of learning to be your own person. But you have to stress that if they really WERE their own person, they wouldn't have to lie, hide, or shirk responsibility.

Stress that more autonomy comes AFTER showing you are ready for it… Just like a raise comes after hard work. There's no "credit system" here.

STYLE

Those pants hanging half-way to the ground. Those skin-tight jeans. Those low-cut shirts. Those tees with obnoxious sayings. Where did they get these ideas to wear these things? MTV. Seventeen magazine. That one is YOUR bad! Limit the influence of media and talk to your kids about it. Their self-esteem will benefit from that!

You could also mention that, if you want people to respect you, making a spectacle of yourself is probably not the way to go!

FAIRNESS

Your middle schooler is going to be really concerned with fairness…. As well they should be. But do they understand it? You have to tell them the story of the three patients. Fairness does NOT mean that you treat everyone the same!

For those unfamiliar… A patient walks into the Doctor and says he has a horrible headache, a sore throat, and a runny nose. The Doctor says you have a cold, take two aspirin, drink lots of fluids, and get as much rest as you can. Then a man who has been shot in the leg walks into the Doctor and says he has been shot in the leg, and is bleeding all over. The Doctor says you have a cold, take two aspirin, drink lots of fluids, and get as much rest as you can. The two men have been treated identically. Was this fair?

If your child still resists, tell them they can start going to bed at the same time as their 6-year-old sibling.

MEASURING UP

Kids will THINK that because they don't have the worst behavior of anyone they know, or because they are passing all their classes, that they are doing alright. You have to stress that the only measure is, did you do your own personal best.

This goes with the idea of fairness. Your kids know this is right. But they will push to see if you can apply this idea consistently. Don't fall down on the job here!

DISORGANIZATION

Having raised a 'tween, i can honestly say that a disorganized room, locker, or notebook isn't necessarily the sign of a disorganized MIND. But I guess that's about the only good news. If you have a daughter like me, you are probably wondering when you will get to see the floor in her room again. I can tell you exactly when: when she goes away to college, you go in there, and pick up all that stuff!

I think this is the hardest part of parenting a middle-school student. If you are doing it correctly, it's pretty much a full-time job. Unless you have one of those hyper-organized kids who naturally excels at school, you are really going to need to contact several of their teachers, weekly. And worry a little less about the mess in their room!

As a parent, you need to guide their transition from elementary school to high school. this includes academically. If their job is "student", then you are the "boss" -- NOT THE TEACHER! Teachers can't take away video games, cell phones, and TV privileges that distract kids from learning. YOU can.

And so, to be sure that they are getting the hang of this new school environment, and the increasing demands on them to be organized… YOU need to know when tests and quizzes are, when projects and papers are due, and when homework is missing. Just the fact that you check, will help to inspire your student to be more organized.

Did i mention full-time job?

SUMMARY

Again, these are just guidelines. Every child is different. Some are more organized than others. Some are more assertive than others. Some are more academically motivated than others.

But as someone who has taught hundreds of kids between the ages of 13 and 20, I can tell you -- they will all go through this "middle" phase at some time or another. And the behaviors don't really vary terribly much.

Be ready by being informed -- and knowing what is and is not age-appropriate. And of course, by checking back here for updates to this post!