EPIC (non-drama)

It's sort of epic, in a sense, to be here, to be doing this, to be ME right about now. I don't mean writing this particular blog, particularly. I mean all of it. Being in my mid-forties, married with kids, a mortgage, date-night, the whole quotidian life.

Yes, that's right, I feel I am leading an epic yet quotidian life. Oxymoronic? Perhaps.

You see, when I was very young, no one thought I would survive through my teens. Between trying to swing over the bar, skateboard through gravel pits, and ride my bike no-handed down the front steps of my school -- everyone pretty much assumed that one day, I'd meet an untimely death. Judging by some of the stunts I pulled, I would have to say it's a shame my folks didn't take more home movies. We could have really "scooped" the whole Jackass phenomenon.

In my teens, I was not really expected to survive through my 20's. I guess most people assumed I'd meet my demise through some combination of cars, alcohol, and pyrotechnics. I was considered by my closest friends to be somewhat "criminally brilliant". But of course people thought my star burned too brightly to last long.

In my 20's it was believed I would never make it well into my 30's. The consensus would have been that I would fall victim to some bizarre hiking, climbing, caving or other outdoor accident, which would later be attributed to drug use. But somehow I managed to scale many a rock wall and then not fall over the edge, and so I eventually made it through the 20's.

In my 30's it was conceivable that I would not make it through my 40's due to a combination of working and worrying myself to death. I was right on track for that for many years, with a bleeding ulcer, migraines, and a nervous breakdown that was scheduled to begin five minutes ago. But again, somehow, I pulled through.

Now I'm well into my 40's and I don't think the 50's, 60's or 70's are out of the question unless of course I succumb to a random sneezing attack while driving. I have recovered quite nicely (at least I think so) from my ulcer and nervous breakdown (thank you very much). Drugs, alcohol, and caving are things of my past. And I think my outlook on life has changed much for the better.

So, to be really, truly middle-aged, is somewhat amazing to me. I never planned, really, to make it this far, though I'm glad I did. So I'm left now with the dilemma of figuring out what it is I want to be when I grow up.

My daughter (the oldest one, the one who will be legal to drink in two months) would point out that I have some time to decide left. She of course would point out that it's not every 20-something who has a mom with purple dreads, nose and belly piercings, and tattoos -- no matter how tastefully hidden -- that drive around in their Mercedes blasting Marilyn Manson while looking for a parking spot at Wal-Mart.

But yeah, to be here, to be with my husband and to see my daughters in their various stages of growing up, and to have worries like paying a mortgage and where to go on vacation and wondering if the softball team saw my tattoo when I slid into home plate... These are great worries to have.

I look forward even to worrying more about retirement. Life can be pretty sweet, when you consider how unexpected it is.

WOOT! Romania and South Africa!!!

We have new readers! WELCOME!!! Hope you enjoyed the blog, and will come visit again soon =)

Goodbye Old Friend

Very nearly 14 years ago, my mama's grey tabby Lily was born...

We were just getting over the tragic passing of Sox, a very sweet boy who left us much too early, having been exposed as a baby to feline leukemia. Sox was fine, playing with my daughter and her friends at her sixth birthday party one month, and then the next barely able to move around the room.

And as I was still recovering from his loss, my friend's cat gave birth to a lovely litter of beautiful, healthy kittens. I was convinced that it was much too early for me to have a new cat. But my friend plied me with pictures, knowing how I do love my pets, of the most gorgeous kitten of the lot.

He saved that kitten for me. All the people who came to see his kittens, wanted this beautiful ball of grey and white fluff with eyes the color of jade. But he told them all no, this one is spoken for. Eventually all the kittens were adopted away to new homes, but this one remained.

And my mother and my daughter, said please please PLEASE can we have this beautiful baby kitten? And of course I relented.

Lily, you were a persnickety kitten right from the start. Although you loved to be held, you absolutely HATED having your ears touched, even accidentally, right from the start. You didn't want us to pick you up, but would instead sidle up to us and plop yourself down on our laps.

When you purred it was such a soft and tiny sound, but it made us all smile.

Now, old friend, it is clear that your time has come. You are a very old cat, and you've been patiently putting up with a failing thyroid and heart now for years. Your teeth are mostly gone, and it's hard for you to get around the house the way you used to.

I apologize, old friend, if we've kept you too long from moving along. It's just that we will miss you so terribly. The thought of not seeing you waiting for us in the laundry room doorway, not hearing you yell at us when your litter isn't spotless, was just too much to bear. So we hung on, hoping against hope that you would one day be well enough again, to topple all the little knick knacks off Grandma's antique desk, when you jumped down from the landing.

Tomorrow, I will take Lily to the Vet for the last time. I will hold her close, and gently stroke the top of her head, and tell her what a good brave cat she is, tell her that we all love her, and hold her even closer, as she takes her last breath.

Goodbye, my dear old friend. I hope you will rest in peace.

From Quaint to Quackery

Well, the issue of health care still rages on in our country, overshadowed though it might be by both US and international news. But the question is still there -- and no, I'm not going to argue for it again. But we here in the US have some funny ideas about health care in general.

Although most if not all of us have dealt primarily with a modern, medicine-as-business model of health care in our lifetime, many of us still have this really quaint idea of the Country Doctor stuck in our heads. We go to the MD in search of help for what ails us, and expect several things that have gone the way of the stable boy and the milk man....

Do you walk in to your Doctor's office expecting them to know who you are, what your complaint of the day is, and your medical history? Back even 100 years ago this might have been a likely scenario. And there may be some small towns left in the US where there are true "Country Doctors" left. But they are few and far between.

The reality today is, your Doctor doesn't treat a few dozen families for their entire lives any more. Gone are the days when your family Doctor will walk in and ask how your kids are doing, if your bursitis is better, and how did the bake sale at the school go yesterday.

Today's Doctors see thousands of patients every year. They schedule patients in at 15-minute intervals, seeing close to 200 patients a week. They don't recognize you on site, and take perhaps 30 to 60 seconds before entering the treatment room, to peruse your file.

At your Doctor's office, there are probably a litany of MDs and LPNs, all of whom you might see on a scheduled visit. So even the notes in your file, may be a bit disconnected. If you are lucky, a good suburban Doctor will actually note the reason for your visit a few instants before seeing you, and possibly even have a brief idea of your ongoing medical concerns.

Yes, the truth is, your Doctor doesn't know you from Adam!

One might gasp at such an assertion. How is someone going to be able to effectively treat us, if they don't know anything about us? And, at a Doctor's salary, shouldn't we deserve a little more time and personal attention?

Well, that's another thing that has changed. Doctors today are not making money hand-over-fist like we sometimes believe. With constraints on payment amounts imposed by insurance companies, a Doctor working a normal 40-hour week will generate about $400,000 per year in revenue.

Sure, that sounds like a lot of money to most of us... But they don't get to KEEP that money! First, they have rental expenses on their office space. Then, they have to share the cost of their office staff, billing department, and tax accountants with the other Doctors in their practice. And of course their are taxes, and medical insurance to be paid. And lest we forget, the cost of Medical School being somewhat prohibitive, most Doctors have outstanding student loan balances sometimes upwards of $100,000.

A seasoned Doctor today, with an efficient and busy practice, might be taking home about the same as a decent software engineer in mid-career. That's certainly not going to pay for a yacht AND a country club membership. Today's Doctors certainly aren't living like rock stars.

So, when you walk into your Doctor's office, how do you make sure you are getting the care you need? First off, be aware that it is YOUR health, and so it's primarily YOUR concern, and YOUR responsibility to know the facts about any ongoing conditions you might have.

If you take a prescription medication for some ongoing health problem, you should make yourself familiar both with your condition and with your medication. Be aware of the progression of any illness you might have. Be aware of any potential drug interactions with your prescription.

And when you see your Doctor, be sure to give them the "executive summary" when they come into the exam room. With only 15 minutes to spare, you won't have much if any time, to discuss the weather or how the kids are doing with their soccer games. Tell your doctor; your problem related to this visit; any ongoing medical concerns; any medication (include prescription and non-prescription, as well as homeopathic, herbal, or supplements!) you are taking; and the reason for your last visit to them right up front.

Know that, if you are going to need a follow-up, or if you are having any sort of blood work or other tests done -- your Doctor's office isn't going to be able to give these results the same personal attention that you can. You should be aware of how to get your results, when to schedule a follow-up visit, and then be sure to investigate what your results might mean, before seeing your Doctor again.

A good teacher can give you the information you need to learn effectively. They can make it easier for you, they can inspire you, but YOU still need to do the work in order to achieve your own academic goals. A good attorney will advise you on the law and your best course of action, should you need them. But they can't look over your shoulder 24/7 and make sure you always do the right thing. That part is up to YOU. And similarly, a good Doctor is someone who can assist you in making the best choices for your own health care. But there is still considerable work to be done on YOUR part.

29 Countries and Counting

Readers from the following 29 countries have visited our blog... If you have visited from another country and I missed it, please leave a message and let me know!!!

Brazil

Bulgaria

Canada

China

Columbia

Croatia

Denmark

Egypt

France

Germany

Hungary

India

Indonesia

Iran

Israel

Italy

Japan

Malaysia

Netherlands

Philippines

Russia

Singapore

Slovenia

Sweden

Thailand

United Arab Emirates

United Kingdom

United States

Venezuela

Scary Earthquake Stats

I was thinking about seismic activity in general, with the recent earthquake in Japan. Of course, here in Virginia, USA, we are quite far from any major fault lines. Even so, we had an earthquake of magnitude 3.0 last July. It was enough to wake me from sleep, but nothing in the house was damaged.

Now, the thing about the Richter Scale is, it increases by multiples of ten. That would mean that the quake in Japan, having been upgraded to a 9.0, was six points higher, which is ONE MILLION TIMES more powerful than the one we experienced here in Virginia. Not one hundred. Not one thousand. ONE MILLION TIMES stronger.

That got me thinking about how often they might have earthquakes in Japan. So I did a little research, and found that there were not one, or even two... But about 40 earthquakes noted in the area of Japan IN THE PAST MONTH. Many were in the range of 4.8 to 5.2 on the Richter scale. That would be 100 times more powerful than the quake we had here in Virginia. Certainly enough to do some minor damage.

I also found out that northern Japan, the area of the last quake, experiences on average seven earthquakes of a magnitude 5.0 or more, per year. In the past month however, the area around Japan has experienced more than a dozen quakes of 5.0 or greater magnitude.

There is definitely something going on with the tectonic plates in that area. In fact, a map showing activity in the last WEEK in and around Japan, from the US Geological Survey, finds 519 earthquakes of various sizes, over the past week. By comparison, for the same time period on the California coast, there are only 8 quakes showing... And all of insignificant magnitude.

Of course we have to be concerned right now, about how we -- the citizens of the World -- can help in the relief efforts. But it would seem that Japan is sitting on a very active fault right about now. We have to keep our guard up as to potential new seismic activity, and be aware that there could be another quake sometime in the next few weeks, months or years.

I am hoping that, as Japan is rebuilt, that their best scientists architects, engineers, and their government will take this into account. My hopes, personally, would be that in the future, all buildings built on the fault lines be done so with the intent of withstanding another quake of the same magnitude. And perhaps that there might be some way to have an early warning system in place for tsunami dangers as well.

In doing this research, I don't mean to be alarmist. I just am hoping that there will be enough aid and forethought so that, in the future, lives will be spared. I also hope you will read my other posts, and make a donation to the relief efforts, both now, and in the future when the news coverage and donations are dwindling.

http://earthquake.usgs.gov

Please Help Japan

Well, I don't know about you, but I personally have spent a good amount of time every day, for the past four days, literally crying when I think about the devastation in Japan. For those of you who don't know me, I am NOT a cryer. I generally reserve crying for the passing of a close friend or relative, or being backed over by a large truck. But this, this situation and the ongoing tragedy, it gets me every time.

Right now, I'm backed away from the keyboard. I have to make sure I can finish this post without short-circuiting it with the tears that just won't stop coming.

But the thing is, my tears are inconsequential. They help not one iota, not one single person. And that is why this post is so important to me -- because we all need to help. I know it. You know it. And we all WANT to.

Granted, Japan is not Haiti. It has more financial and intellectual resources with which to deal with these dark days. But because Japan is a democratically run and as corruption-free as any in the Industrialized world, our donations are more likely to be effective and timely. But I would still encourage people to remember Haiti, and make a donation there as well, if you can.

So, please consider not only making a donation to a charity of your choosing (see my Saturday post for three recommendations), right now, this week... But also consider setting up a reminder for yourself to donate AGAIN in a month, two months, three months.

Use the calendar on your wall, the Calendar in your computer, or the Calendar in your cell phone to set up reminders to donate to relief efforts in the future. Too often, there is a massive outpouring of help and funds directly after a disaster, but a month or two later many are still displaced, having no homes, food, water, or means to gain them for themselves.

Personally, I tend to prefer charities that will quickly distribute food, water and/or clothing to the peoples without, or that will provide temporary shelter and/or immediate medical care. I also tend toward charities that are not religiously affiliated, so be aware that this influences my recommendations! In making a decision I would encourage you to see the following link that rates International Relief charities: http://www.charitywatch.org/toprated.html#intrelief so that you can make an informed decision.

Some charities that both have an "A" rating and are actively seeking donations specifically for Japan OR have already mobilized and are in Japan providing relief, are:

CARE (9% administrative expenses) https://my.care.org/site/Donation2?df_id=7080&7080.donation=form1

Doctors Without Borders (14% administrative expenses) https://donate.doctorswithoutborders.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=240

International Rescue Committee (10% administrative expenses) https://www.rescue.org/donate/emergency

Save the Children (10% administrative expenses) https://secure.savethechildren.org/site/c.8rKLIXMGIpI4E/b.6617251/k.7E71/Donate_to_the_Japan_Earthquake_Tsunami_Children_in_Emergency_Fund/apps/ka/sd/donor.asp

Again, please consider donating not just once but multiple times. Most of us have never had to live through a natural disaster, let alone two. At the risk of making myself cry yet again, and sharing the tears with you -- think of the children!

Think of the parents who are unable to feed their kids right now, because there simply IS NO FOOD where they are. Think of the parents shivering in the cold of night with no heat, trying to keep their sons and daughters warm when all their belongings have disappeared and there is no heat.

And also consider this: In the wake of hurricane Katrina, over 100 countries donated to relief efforts, here, in the United States -- the country with the most resources of all to deal with such a tragedy! Japan helped us, and one man, Takashi Endo, donated $1 MILLION to the relief efforts on his own. So please help!

Wishes for Japan

I wanted to write an open letter to the people of Japan in these dark times. Please know that, here in the US, everyone is thinking of you and praying for you. Relief efforts dominate the news and the Internet. Hope that the suffering will not continue dominates all our conversations.

I believe that the things I wish for, are truly what all Americans, if not all people of the World, are also wishing for you right now. These are:

That the missing will soon be found, so that you can put your mind at ease.

That those who lost spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends and neighbors might be comforted at least in some small degree.

That the aid the World is trying to provide will arrive quickly, and will prevent any more needless suffering.

That an effort to rebuild will commence right away, and make a stronger Japan.

That the thoughts of good will and hope each of us in other countries feels for you in your time of need, will somehow reach you and also give you hope and strength.

Yours is truly an exceptional nation, that has survived much and given much to the World. I wish peace for every hurting soul after this terrible tragedy.

For those interested in contributing to the relief efforts, here are some good websites to consider:

American Red Cross https://american.redcross.org/site/Donation2?idb=0&5052.donation=form1&df_id=5052

Save the Children https://secure.savethechildren.org/site/c.8rKLIXMGIpI4E/b.6617251/k.7E71/Donate_to_the_Japan_Earthquake_Tsunami_Children_in_Emergency_Fund/apps/ka/sd/donor.asp?msource=wellpaqke311

Doctors Without Borders https://donate.doctorswithoutborders.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=214&hbc=1?ref=main-menu

To the People of Japan

Thoughts and prayers go out to the entire nation of Japan, in this time of tragedy.

OMG China??

WOW, this has been a fabulous week for new countries! I am SO happy to have new readers in CHINA! Thanks for stopping by -- hope you enjoy the blog and come back again!

HOORAY FOR IRAN!

Thank you for stopping by... I hope you enjoy the blog and will come back again!

Oh, Henry!

I'm stuck today on a quote by Henry Ford... "Whether you believe you can or you can't, you're correct." But how many times have we stopped to really examine this idea?

For instance, if I say I CAN go out and drink 10 shots of tequila then get in my car and drive home... Well, then I MAY or I MAY NOT. That is, I have made this a question of conscious choice. If I say I CAN, that doesn't mean I HAVE TO, or even that I will.

If I say I CAN go out and buy a gun and rob a bank... Well, then I may, or I may not do this. But if I really convince myself that I CAN, I have now made this a matter of conscious choice. It doesn't mean I have to just because I CAN, or even that I will.

One of the greatest things about adulthood is (or at least SHOULD be) that we can choose not to act on every idea that pops into our heads. This doesn't mean that, at times, really silly or even dangerous ideas may pop into our heads. It just means we have the ability to exercise judgment.

The thing here, with saying I CAN, is clearly that you need to be careful about what you say you CAN do. Just as we can all choose to drive drunk or rob banks or steal people, we CAN in fact choose our thoughts.

This is both a scary and liberating idea. How many times have you had some problem, some troubles on your mind, that made you upset or angry, or both -- and you just couldn't stop mulling over these problems and negative thoughts? The scary part is, we have all CHOSEN to do this! The liberating part, of course, is we can choose NOT to do this in the future.

If I say I CAN'T go into that job interview and convince them I'm the right person for the job, on the other hand... Well, now you're in trouble because you in fact CAN NOT, and WILL NOT. If you have convinced yourself that you CAN NOT, then don't even waste your time trying.

If I say that I CAN'T go to the gym three times a week, work out and become healthier, I don't have the self-discipline for that, it will never work for me... Well, now you in fact CAN NOT, and WILL NOT. And believe me, you won't even waste your time trying.

Now, there are things that you CAN NOT do. We can't defy gravity by the sheer force of our wills. We can't walk unaided on water. We can't swim the Pacific without pause. And if you try to convince yourself that you CAN in fact do something that is physically impossible... Well, then we have a whole different set of issues to worry about.

The thing is, with the exception of following the general laws of Physics -- there really isn't too much else we CAN NOT do!

Now, I may say I CAN go in there and get that job. Just because I said I can, doesn't mean I WILL. But it means it is still possible. I haven't made it IMPOSSIBLE with my thoughts. If I say I CAN go to the gym, and at least give it my best shot, then that doesn't mean I WILL. But I haven't ruled out the possibility.

And the best part here is, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AT ANY TIME! So often we forget that we do, in fact, have control of our thoughts. And that we need to make a conscious decision to exercise that control. Yes, again with the exercise! Because like anything else, if you let the part of your mind that can keep control of your own thoughts go, it will take more work and practice to get that power back.

Just like an athlete who doesn't train in the off-season, controlling your thoughts takes planning and practice. The point here is to think about your thoughts (this is called metacognition, for those who love a good new word), and to replace the ones that are holding us back, with ones that liberate us to take advantage of all the possibilities.

If I tell myself, one day I'm going to find a way to walk on water... And then I set about studying the problem and eliminating all the barriers that keep this from being possible -- then one day, I may or may not find a way. But then again, even if it is not me who accomplishes this, I might well inspire someone else to find a way.

The minute I throw up my hands, though, and say "This truly IS NOT POSSIBLE" is the day that I stop overcoming obstacles, and the day I become self-limiting in the pursuit of my goal.

So, if you have ever had the thought that you can't go back to school, lose weight, have a healthy marriage, get that dream job, or anything similar... Just STOP! Stop and THINK! Are you trying here to violate the laws of Physics? Or are you just caving in the the temptation to give up, and to stop eliminating the obstacles (though they may be many) in your way?

If you have ever thought that you could never forgive someone their trespasses, learn to dance, or really experience joy in your life every day... JUST STOP AND THINK! What exactly are the things in between you and peace, self-expression, and joy? And what is the first one to eliminate? How about the negative thought itself? With that out of the way, at least then you CAN begin to formulate a plan to overcome anything else holding you back.

This isn't to say that, just because we want something and think we CAN achieve it... It will happen for us right away. On the contrary -- anything worth having, achieving, or BEING is going to take some effort. But when you choose to say I CAN, that is where possibilities begin.

You can't control someone else -- their thoughts, their actions, or their attitude. You can't control Physics, the weather, genetics, or even who your neighbors are. But you CAN control what you choose to think about them, ALL OF THEM, and you can control YOUR thoughts, actions, and attitudes.

When you get right down to it, probably the easiest thing in the World to change, is your own mind. So, what's holding you back?

Venezuela and Thailand!

HEY HEY HEY! Great to see you all dropping by for a quick read :-) Hope you enjoy the blog and come back again soon!!!!

Forgot UAE???

WELCOME! How cool is that, United Arab Emirates! Thanks so much for coming by, and PLEASE come back!!!

Middle School Pt 1

Parent's Guide to Surviving Middle School

INTRO

This is meant to be the first in an installment of how to help your child (and you) survive the middle-school years. I reserve the right to publish further on this topic -- or not! -- as I see fit. But here are the basics for your new middle-schooler.

We all remember our own times in middle school. They were challenging, exciting, and frustrating at the same time. Today's kids face even more pressures than we did. And as a parent, if you are not working your butt off to ensure your child is given the tools they need to succeed in junior high school, Then you are doing something wrong. Plain and simple!

BEHAVIOR

Why is it that our lovely elementary age children seem to change overnight when they get to middle school? Well, in short, it's older kids. It's older kids with an attitude. And your kids want to emulate them. Believe me, they do! Kids at this age, act to either gain reward OR avoid punishment. Mostly the latter. MOSTLY!

But the draw is still there, that many older kids are going to act out. And to your 11 or 12 year old, this seems SO much more "mature" than the sheep-like attitude of elementary schoolers. It's going to take a while to convince them that bad does not equal cool.

BAD DECISIONS

At this age, parts of kids brains grow rapidly and others get put "on hold". Really, they might look like they are almost an adult. but they are NOT and they might have a really good (biological) reason why, at 11 or 12 or 13, they are less capable of making good choices than they were at 9 or 10.

Give them a little bit of a break here. Your 12-year-old is about as likely to ace Geometry or Chemistry at this age, as they are to win the Nobel Prize for Medicine. Don't let yourself start believing that, because they are starting to shave, they can handle making important life decisions without guidance.

LEARNING PRESSURES

In elementary school, the pace is slower and the class sizes smaller. They have to be a lot more organized in middle school, but who teaches them that skill? If you think it's the classroom teacher, you had better guess again. You had better have a plan to help them with this, and stick to it, and then assess their progress! When they don't want to show you their binder, that's because it's a train wreck!

So, spend a little time every week checking their backpack, room, and notebooks. I liked to make this a requirement before any weekend activities could be entertained. If you give them the incentive, and stick to "the plan", it will go a long way toward them being pro-active in getting the work done.

GRADES PRESSURES

For the first time, the kids really feel the pressure of the grades. Sure, in elementary school, they wanted to please and to get good grades to not be the "dumb kid". But in junior high, they start hearing that all these grades, they are going to influence THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And they start to worry. And cheat. And give up if they struggle.

You have to balance a healthy desire, as a parent, for your kids to get good grades, with the desire to teach them self-sufficiency. Talk to them about how actually LEARNING the material is the best way to get good grades. And of course, remind them -- no one has to know if they are getting straight A's. They can always tell their friends they failed just to look cool!

PEER PRESSURE

To act out. To curse. To defy authority. To smoke. To drink. To date, to kiss, to smart off to the teacher. To skip class, shoplift and have sex. It's all over the place. And yeah, to get good grades or play sports is in there, somewhere.

Don't ever assume your child is immune. To be completely immune to peer pressure would basically mean your child had anti-social tendencies that should cause you another type of alarm. But again, TALK to them! They have to know that anything that makes them uncomfortable, is not necessary.

You are not the only one who will respect them, if they stand up to their peers and make their own choices.

CLASSROOM ANTICS

Just because your child isn't the one throwing spitballs, doesn't mean they are behaving. What do they do to encourage "right behavior" and discourage the goofy stuff? They need to start to learn about building their own character.

I liked to role-play with my daughter, and ask her what she would do in certain situations. If someone wanted her to smoke pot. If someone in her class wouldn't stop talking during a lecture. If someone she didn't know tried to get her to go in their car with them.

Having a "plan" for how to assert yourself -- nicely and not-so-nicely -- can help ANYONE deal with a difficult situation. And in the classroom, if your child is not part of the solution, let them know that you consider them to be a part of the problem. Good citizenship requires action.

CALLS HOME

This is not a fun thing for a teacher to do in their already strapped schedule. A teacher who calls home is a blessing to you. Don't ignore what they have to say. Don't' assume you know what the call is about, either! If it's behavior, you have to have a plan that works WITH the teacher. If it's grades, you have to work with your student to ensure adequate progress.

At any rate, you should WANT to know what is going on. It's hard to find a teacher who is pro-active enough to call, even for serious grade and behavior problems. Call them back, and then LISTEN to what they have to say. They aren't calling because they are bored!!!

MISSING INFORMATION

When your kids keep telling you they left their interim grade report in their locker, or that history test wasn't graded yet, or the teacher was too busy to give them a printout… Either they forgot to ask because they know their grade is bad or they are just lying because they want to avoid your disapproval.

If they tell you their cell phone is at a friend's house or that new PSP is in their locker, there is a good chance it's lost, never to return.

I used to take away the cell phone and/or other privileges until missing items (such as grades) showed up. Again, give a concrete incentive. It's the fastest way to the truth, when dealing with middle-schoolers.

LYING

They all do it. You think they don't. Well, they do. Sometimes for no reason. Even when you raised them correctly. Sometimes just to get your goat. Sometimes to feel cooler, smarter, or to be funny. But it's going to happen and you'd better be prepared for it. Your parenthood is NOT a court of law, and your kids need to know that "reasonable suspicion" is enough to convict.

And be aware that it IS age-appropriate behavior. But that it is not going to be tolerated. Then you have to back your words with action.

The thing is, a certain amount of lying at this age is normal. Kids want to assert their individuality, and some measure of control over their own life. What they were afraid to do as elementary school children (lie) becomes widespread in middle school… And is a temporary situation until they learn a more "adult" way to assert themselves.

CONTROL

It's why they lie, hide grades, ignore your pleas to tidy up, tell you they are at Bobby's house when they are really at Billy's house. And it's a part of learning to be your own person. But you have to stress that if they really WERE their own person, they wouldn't have to lie, hide, or shirk responsibility.

Stress that more autonomy comes AFTER showing you are ready for it… Just like a raise comes after hard work. There's no "credit system" here.

STYLE

Those pants hanging half-way to the ground. Those skin-tight jeans. Those low-cut shirts. Those tees with obnoxious sayings. Where did they get these ideas to wear these things? MTV. Seventeen magazine. That one is YOUR bad! Limit the influence of media and talk to your kids about it. Their self-esteem will benefit from that!

You could also mention that, if you want people to respect you, making a spectacle of yourself is probably not the way to go!

FAIRNESS

Your middle schooler is going to be really concerned with fairness…. As well they should be. But do they understand it? You have to tell them the story of the three patients. Fairness does NOT mean that you treat everyone the same!

For those unfamiliar… A patient walks into the Doctor and says he has a horrible headache, a sore throat, and a runny nose. The Doctor says you have a cold, take two aspirin, drink lots of fluids, and get as much rest as you can. Then a man who has been shot in the leg walks into the Doctor and says he has been shot in the leg, and is bleeding all over. The Doctor says you have a cold, take two aspirin, drink lots of fluids, and get as much rest as you can. The two men have been treated identically. Was this fair?

If your child still resists, tell them they can start going to bed at the same time as their 6-year-old sibling.

MEASURING UP

Kids will THINK that because they don't have the worst behavior of anyone they know, or because they are passing all their classes, that they are doing alright. You have to stress that the only measure is, did you do your own personal best.

This goes with the idea of fairness. Your kids know this is right. But they will push to see if you can apply this idea consistently. Don't fall down on the job here!

DISORGANIZATION

Having raised a 'tween, i can honestly say that a disorganized room, locker, or notebook isn't necessarily the sign of a disorganized MIND. But I guess that's about the only good news. If you have a daughter like me, you are probably wondering when you will get to see the floor in her room again. I can tell you exactly when: when she goes away to college, you go in there, and pick up all that stuff!

I think this is the hardest part of parenting a middle-school student. If you are doing it correctly, it's pretty much a full-time job. Unless you have one of those hyper-organized kids who naturally excels at school, you are really going to need to contact several of their teachers, weekly. And worry a little less about the mess in their room!

As a parent, you need to guide their transition from elementary school to high school. this includes academically. If their job is "student", then you are the "boss" -- NOT THE TEACHER! Teachers can't take away video games, cell phones, and TV privileges that distract kids from learning. YOU can.

And so, to be sure that they are getting the hang of this new school environment, and the increasing demands on them to be organized… YOU need to know when tests and quizzes are, when projects and papers are due, and when homework is missing. Just the fact that you check, will help to inspire your student to be more organized.

Did i mention full-time job?

SUMMARY

Again, these are just guidelines. Every child is different. Some are more organized than others. Some are more assertive than others. Some are more academically motivated than others.

But as someone who has taught hundreds of kids between the ages of 13 and 20, I can tell you -- they will all go through this "middle" phase at some time or another. And the behaviors don't really vary terribly much.

Be ready by being informed -- and knowing what is and is not age-appropriate. And of course, by checking back here for updates to this post!

Japan AND Egypt?

Someone pinch me, because we picked up readers in both Japan AND Egypt this week!!! Maybe I'm just dreaming, but I sure hope not... I am so happy to have you all stop by -- hope you enjoyed the blog and will come back!!!

Bone to Pick

I've been away for a long time, and for that I apologize. Things around here have been crazier than usual, and so for once, even I haven't been able to muster the energy to find something to complain about. At least, not until just very recently...

It only just occurred to me today to be sort of irritated by vacuum cleaners. I mean, if you've read me for any length of time, you will know that generally I love to vacuum. And also to steam-clean the carpets. I guess I really don't like the ACT of vacuuming or steam-cleaning per se, but I am completely enamored of the results of such activities.

What I'm not so fond of is the attachments. Now, I used to live in a 200-year-old farm house. I understand that, back then, people were of smaller stature. It hasn't so much been evolution that has caused average heights and life expectancies to change so much over the last few hundred years, but better nutrition and health care. So essentially, I understood why I'd have to remind my brother to "duck" every time he came in my front door for a visit.

In such a house, one might also think that bending over the sink to brush one's teeth, at an uncomfortable 90 degree angle, would be due to the same sort of thing -- people having gotten, on average, much taller over the past 200 years or so. But then, when you stop to think about it... Did my rural VA farmhouse HAVE indoor plumbing 200 years ago? I seriously think not. Besides that, the bathroom wasn't even in the original portion of the house, it was in the addition. Which I believe came along a mere 80 years ago.

Now, a broom or a mop are not that easy to use. I sometimes wonder if it's because they were invented long, long ago, that they seem to be made at such small proportions. I wonder what Shaquille O'Neal would do, if he were forced to sweep his own floor, for instance. The only thing I can figure is, he'd have to get down on his knees to do it.

Even if these things were invented a long time ago, does that mean someone who makes them has never used them? I have to suspect this. I can almost imagine the World's foremost mop manufacturer, standing there thinking "Well, look, it's almost as tall as I am. Why make it any longer?" without even considering that you use it at an angle. I'm guessing, though, that this guy, this mop guru, is not only cheap, but short, and pre-dates the indoor plumbing in my previous home.

Things like this make me also rather cranky over the fact that sweat pants that come down to my ankles are nearly impossible to find. I have tried just about every brand and style I could find. But the ones that start out the correct length, are knickers by the time I wash them. And the ones that are 4" too long when I first owned them, are 2" above my ankles after laundering. I'm no rocket scientist, but would it really kill someone to wash the darn material first, and sew second? Can we not take just a tiny bit of the guesswork out of this whole debacle? I'll pay $5 extra, if you can keep my ankles warm!

And so, I have to wonder when I'm vacuuming the dust bunnies out from under the bed,going up and down the stairs, reaching behind the washer and dryer, or trying to get the fluff out of the vent covers up high on the wall... WHY are the vacuum hoses so darn short? You know, that hard plastic tube part that you put the attachments on... WHY do I still have to bend over to vacuum? Why, oh WHY can I not be allowed to do this in the upright position?

Is it because, when vacuum cleaners were originally designed hundreds of years ago, the average housewife was significantly shorter than 5"2" tall? I mean, I'm no giant here. I'm barely over average height for a woman in the US. So why am I stooped over using this darn thing? Is there some unforeseen danger I've failed to, well, foresee, by making that silly tube thingy just 6" longer? Is having it shorter perhaps less likely for me to put my eye out?

The paranoid in me feels that perhaps this is a conspiracy to keep those of us prone to household chores, stooped over. Keep our heads lower than that of our "masters"? Keep us in a continual state of low-level achy-ness to remind us of our lot in life? I mean, technically, even in the US, and even in our two-income households, it is still the women doing this work.

But really, it's probably not a conspiracy, and it's probably not even a financial consideration that keeps manufacturers doing such inane things with simple household necessities, like brooms, mops, vacuums, and yes, even sweatpants. The simple truth is, we probably have all sorts of people designing things they have never used once in their lives. In other words, it's sheer stupidity that keeps propagating this stupidity.

And if anyone out there wants to make me a pair of sweatpants that will still have a 32" inseam AFTER they have been washed -- message me so I can send you my address!