Insidious or Something Else?

Once upon a time, my daughter was a 'tween. And there were times that a friend would call, that she didn't want to speak to. Or someone would invite her to something she didn't want to do. And she would say "Mom, tell them I'm not here..." or "Mom, tell them I'm not allowed to go...".

And I would patiently tell my daughter that she needed to learn to stand up for herself, or at the very least, make her own excuses.

Now, really, the kid's aim was to not have to hurt someone's feelings. Most of us find that quite a disagreeable thing. It's not like she was going to get on the phone and say "I'm tired of talking to you on the phone all the time," or "You know, I like you in small doses but a sleepover would just be too much for me...".

The thing is, we all DO tell little white lies. We do it mostly so we don't hurt someone's feelings. This salad is delicious. Your new haircut is terrific! You'll get that promotion next time. It's a valid social skill.

We all, also, have to take control of our likes and dislikes, and our schedule. We have to learn to say "NO" on occasion, firmly but nicely. Just think of the mess we would all be in if we REALLY COULDN'T SAY NO???

So I taught my daughter to do this for herself. Better, if someone was going to lie FOR her, that it BE her.

And while we learned this little coping mechanism, we tried to also learn how to be as honest as we could, in the process. We learned to say things like "I just don't feel like talking on the phone right now," and leaving out the "to you" part. Or we would respond with "I really had something else planned for that evening," and leave out the part about it being to wash the dog.

The point here being, that we also learned that if it's something really important, and not just a question of avoiding unnecessary hurt feelings, then we should do our best to tell it like it is.

Like when mom comes home from the grocery store to see you have 3 friends over, and one is puking her guts out... You say "Mom, I already called her mother, but she was drinking alcohol earlier and that's why she's so sick," instead of claiming stomach flu like your friend wanted you to say.

God forbid, that friend go home later and pass out cold and go into an alcohol-induced coma, and her mother think she's just sleeping off a flu. The odds are tiny, but the outcome is so important, you have to suck it up and say what you don't want to say.

My daughter knew this before she was a teenager. So, why is it that some adults, still don't know how to (a) tell a small but polite untruth, when it is appropriate, or (b) distinguish what is actually important, and do the RIGHT thing, even if it makes you uncomfortable?

How can it be, that there are grown adults walking around out there, who will tell you those jeans make you look fat, but then tell you there's nothing going on when the house is on fire? Can someone tell me; Is that stupidity, or something more insidious?